Material Girl

Coat: c/o Choies; Sweater: H&M (similar save, similar splurge); Pants: Gap; Boots: Target (similar); Scarf: TJ Maxx (similar spend, similar splurge)

Sometimes I am so overcome with desire for the next stage of my life that I'm left in angry disappointment at what I simply can't have yet. I've always been ahead of myself. My head before my feet. My entire body lagging behind my dreams. I wanted to be 16 when I was 12. I wanted to be 20 when I was 16. I wanted to be 24 when I was 20. And now? I wish I had a family and a home and a dog and a backyard - and that whole vision lurks somewhere in my late twenties.

But I don't just want a house. I want a photo of that house filled with light and simple furniture. I don't just want a family. I want a photo of that family in perfect clothes in setting sunlight. I don't know if I even star in the photo-set that I find myself reaching for - and that's because it isn't my photo-set. It's something on Pinterest. Or a blog. Or a world I saw in a magazine. It's someone else's life that they've crafted for themselves. And I don't belong in it yet.

It's really weird and really gross when I admit it out loud (out in text, I suppose). And it makes Ben so angry. The other night he sat my pouting self down and told me my life would never be Pinterest and I'd never be a millionaire and I needed to get over it and start loving the world I have right in front of me.

And what a wonderful life it is. If I just take a second, I can sit back and realize that I've done a really great job in making my home and my life the perfect place (if not magazine ready, at least it looks pretty good on Instagram).

I try to remind Ben that my interest in Pinterest spreads and beautiful homes full of light and pretty family portraits is the aspirational part of me looking forward and ahead. I like to be in motion. It doesn't have to do with not loving what I have - it has to do with wanting to make everything around me better and better... until it's perfect. I feed off of the environment around me - the happier it feels, the happier I feel. It's a creative extension of me.

But to him - pitching a fit about wanting my life to be something more says to him that I don't love the life I have. And I really, really do. So this week is dedicated to loving those around me and loving the absolutely privileged life I lead here in a cozy, gorgeous home with my best friend. No Pinterest envy this week. No blog envy. Just quiet inside, away from the chill, happy.