Happiness

Sweater: Gap - in store (similar save, similar save 2, similar save); Skirt: Ann Taylor; Heels: c/o Lulu*s

I haven't been happy in a long time. Which isn't to say the reverse has been true - I haven't been sad either. But I've been living in the middle ground, dipping between the two extremes, and that's not a place I like to be for long periods of time.

I think the majority of my discord has come from being dissatisfied with my career. When I worked at the university before moving to Portland I felt like a member of a team, a valued contributor, and an autonomous individual that dictated my own schedule and tasks. It was a great feeling - to feel so independent so early in my career. It also led me to believe that HR was where I belonged - mainly because I had such an awesome team.

When we moved to Portland, I took another job in HR in the same area I'd been working in - recruitment coordination. But I ended up in a position that was divided between secretarial and Human Resources work. It felt like a really big step backward and after assessing the opportunity for growth and advancement, I decided to hunt for a job.

Moving jobs again was terrifying for many reasons. Finding a job during the holidays is awful. There are hardly any opportunities and they really weren't what I was looking for/in the right salary range/didn't feel like a step forward. I had also become terrified that I'd lost the ability to love my job, that HR wasn't the right fit for me, that I didn't know what to do with my career. I'm a really confident person and feeling insecure about my career and my ability to know myself was taking its toll on me.

But I dove in, crippling anxiety and all, and started hunting for jobs very selectively, interviewed for a few over the phone, and went to two in-person interviews, and after all of that agony I landed this new position in IT recruiting. And it feels awesome. Though I had a hard time working up pre-work excitement (I was filled with self-doubt), I am now totally certain it was an awesome career move for me.

Why? I'm smiling again. Big smiles. I don't feel angry, or upset, or ostracized. I don't feel lonely. I feel at home. I haven't even delved into the meat of the work I'm going to be doing and I don't know if I am going to be immediately good at it, or not so great at it, but I know that I'm finally back with a team that I can contribute to. I am finally back in a world where work feels like a support group and family and learning experience, and coming into work isn't something to fear.

For any of you that feel like you're stuck in jobs that are making you dread every single morning - there are positions out there, and there are opportunities for you. Your current position isn't indicative of all work out there, and it's not something you need to stick with at the expense of your happiness. I feel like I'm in the light at the end of the tunnel, and you can be too! I'm looking forward to falling asleep tonight just so that I can wake up tomorrow and dive in - that should be possible for everyone.